To and From
by Shieglr
Summary: Plain humor. Are you having relationship problems? Maybe Aunty Itachi can help you!
1. To and From 1

Summary – Naruto Characters are having fun with letter writing.

Author notes – Naruto and it's characters do not belong to her.

Author's notes – It's really lame, but put up with me on this one. Thanks to my friends for helping me with the last two letters! hugs her

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**Having Problems With Your RELATIONSHIPS? **Tell your Worries to Aunty Itachi.

_Ramen Obsession _

My boyfriend has an unhealthy ramen obsession, he eats, breathes, lives Ramen. Sometimes he doesn't pay attention to me even when I insult him or challenge him to a fight. I'm at my wits end to dealing with him already, even setting my fanclub on him hasn't worked (and it only served to make them adore me more) and I don't know what I should do to make him pay more attention to me. He's mine and I don't want to share him with Ramen. I'm worried for his health, what if I lose my temper and beat him up one day? What should I do?

- **Avenger **

Dear Avenger,

You sound like a pretty violent type, are you sure you are a girl? Anyway, insulting and challenging your boyfriend isn't going to do you any good at all, it's just going to make him feel unloved. Try to talk to him about it, perhaps that will let him know that he's not giving you the attention he deserves. And about your fanclub, I'm not so sure that was a good idea to make use of your fanclub to do your dirty work, any how, it seems as if it has cause you more trouble._ 'He's mine and I don't want to share him with Ramen.'_ You actually sound like my younger brother, that idiot he is. And what's with the name? Avenger? WAAAIIIIIT, you sound **too** much like my younger brother, he has a fanclub too. Lose your temper and beat him up? YOU ARE MY YOUNGER BROTHER! SASUKE YOU LITTLE BRAT...SHOULDN'T YOU BE TRAINING TO BEAT ME! –censored-

(Sasuke is snickering at his _Aunty_ Itachi and his brother's poor choice of a job while waiting for him to come and fight him. He is amused that his older brother took so long to realize he was pranked.)

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**Suffering in Silence? **Tsunade-Neechan will answer your prayers!

_Being Insulted_

I'm being insulted everyday! All the people in my village hate me! And even those who don't still insult me! I know that it's just all in the name of fun, but sometimes I feel that they are going overboard with the insults. Take my freaky teacher for instance, he's constantly praising the two other students in my team and when he's not teaching us or reading that perverted little book of his, he's insulting me. Sometimes it feels bad to know that all your efforts to improve

are deemed as worthless. Then there's that BRAT in my team. He's thinks he's so smart and powerful, but he's more of 'oh-I-am-so-mighty-because-I-have-a-stick-shoved-up-my-arse' in my opinion. All he does is call me an idiot and smirk at me. And even the village leader, who's life I SAVED once, laughs at my dream to become the village leader. And she's just an OLD HAG. What should I do to make people stop insulting me?

-**Oturan**

Dear Oturan,

Firstly, you could try to prove to others that you are good for something. Secondly, try to improve on your prank-pulling, you're getting rusty. Thirdly, don't insult your seniors, I'm sure Kakashi has his reasons for reading Icha Icha Paradise. Fourthly, calling me an Old Hag isn't going to help you, and so what if you saved me once? Lastly, try to come up with something more original Naruto, honestly, Oturan? You're quite the dumbass sometimes. Shouldn't you be improving on your Jutsu's instead of sitting around _attempting_ to prank me. And next time, at least try to get Sasuke to help you, this is just too pathetic.

(Naruto is pissed and he blames Sasuke-brat for not helping him prank to old Baa-san because he said he had a stick-shoved-up-his-arse. He thinks Sasuke should learn to take jokes.)

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**Have a message for a spirit?** Write in and we'll pass it on for you.

I have a message for my son, Yondaime. Tell him,

'Yondy, my darling son! Hows life up there?! Are the people there treating you well? Did you see your dad? Is the food nice there? Did you meet any nice ladies, is your wife there? How much are the clothes there? Make sure you eat properly and dress properly! So high up in the sky, I bet it's very cold! Always lock your door at night okay! Don't let the breeze in. And remember to wash your underwear okay! I won't be there to help you this time! Just because you're up there and I'm in not doesn't mean that I can't catch you and poke your butt! Be a good boy okay! Muah everyone down here misses you! And you should see this huge stone carving they made of you! You look so handsome in it! And you! You should teach your student better, that Kakashi had started to read those perverted books! If I were you, I'd come back down here and hit him on the head, that'll teach him... **-this message has been cut short due to the lengthiness- **

(Yondaime is exasperated and embarrassed with his mom being such a worry-wart about him. And he does wash his underwear! Also, his spirit pals are all laughing at him after reading over his shoulder)

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**Need to relieve some stress?** Tell Dr. Kisame your problems.

I'm **SO ANGRY**! Can you believe this? Yesterday my son came home and murdered me and my family!? And all because we wouldn't get him that Pikachu plush toy he wanted! I mean how rebellious is that! Such an un-filial son! In fact, BOTH MY SONS are SO REBELLIOUS!

That Itachi! Always coming home late! He eats half the food on the dinner table, sleeps all day, hogs the bathroom and never tidies his own room! AND I SWEAR I SAW HIM KISSING A GUY LAST FRIDAY!

And Sasuke! Equally BAD. Always fighting with Itachi about who gets the TV remote first! Both of them don't even ask their parents! And that time! He pulled a wedge-y on Itachi and they started a civil war with potted plants! And who had to clean up the mess after them? All that muck, grime, dirt? ME!

I'm SO FUSTRATED! Luckily, I don't have to handle them anymore, seeing that I'm dead.

- **Mommy Uchiha**

(Kisame is still in shock at the letter and does not know what to think. Itachi has seen the letter and has burned it up.)

-End-


	2. To and From 2

Summary – More crack letters and the return of Aunty Itachi!

Author notes – Naruto and it's characters do not belong to her, apparently, her sanity doesn't either.

Author's notes – There's a mention of Shounen Ai in the Kakashi letter. Also, erm, I'm sorry to the reviewer who asked for a letter to be written for Kakashi to reply, but my brain is fried, so I'm really sorry. I didn't intend for a second chapter though, but I still did. This will, however, probably be the last letters.

To reviewers – Thanks for your comments and remarks!

**This Chapter is for my friend. ;)**

**--- **

(From Zabuza)

**Have a secret to tell?** Tell it to **_US_**!

_**I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!**_

Recently, I've been experiencing weird feelings towards my weapon, it's a person by the way, there is no way you'd catch me kissing my sword. I'm not Asexual, thank you very much. Anyway, I've always thought that my weapon was kind of cute, you know, as in huggable, fluffy cute. I mean at times he's just looks so squishy I want to hug him, and I know I'm not supposed to, but DAMMIT HE'S SO CUTE! No wait! I'm calm! I'm collected! I'm the cool mysterious ninja with the funky mask thing! But's HE LOOKS SO SQUISHY! NO! I'm CALM, COLLECTED! I'm the cool mysterious ninja with the funky mask thing and big sharp sword! I'm NOT FEELING ANYTHING TOWARDS MY CUTE AND SQUISHY WEAPON! **NO WAIT, YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT!**

**- COOL _MYSTERIOUS_ NINJA WITH FUNKY MASK THING AND BIG SHARP SWORD (don't you forget it)**

Dear **COOL MYSTERIOUS NINJA WITH FUNKY MASK THING AND BIG SHARP SWORD (don't you forget it)**,

Both I and all my colleagues here at **_US_** think that _(you are really funny)_ you must have had a terrible time bearing this burden, and when we were reading the letter, we were _(laughing our asses off)_ feeling terribly sorry for you. We think that you should go _(see a psychiatrist, or visit the local asylum)_ talk to your er...weapon about your feelings towards it, I mean, him. Anyway, perhaps these feelings are _(not)_ normal? Maybe they'll go away after a while, try to keep your cool _(though I doubt it)_ around your weapon and just let it work out by itself. _(Are you sure you're not Asexual?)_

(The people at **_US_** are secretly happy that they set up their business because now they can blackmail Zabuza. They also realize the potential for gathering dirt on people.)

---

(From Kakashi, that pervert)

**Feeling sexually frustrated? **Write in to the author of Icha Icha Paradise! (That is to say, Jiraiya)

There's this guy I like, he's just so good looking, and sometimes when I see him, I just want to throw him on the ground and _-censored-._ The way he smiles is just so sweet, I bet he could _-censored-._ I've tried so many methods of seducing him, from _-censored-_ to _-censored-_ to even _-censored-_! But he doesn't even respond to them, all he does is smile sweetly at me, hits my hand away, which just makes me want to _-censored-_ him even more. He's all that I think about and all at times, I just want to run into his house and _-censored-._ He's just too sexy for his own good. I don't know what I should do to make him want to _-censored-_ me. I know I like him, but the books always say _-censored-_ first, love later.

**- Frustrated and horny **

Dear **Frustrated and horny**,

You're gay aren't you? Well, I used to have the same problems as you, except that I'm straight, and you're not. Well, from what I see, you could try _-censored-_, or _-censored-_, those work pretty well. If you really want him to _-censored-_ you, then you could try getting close to him instead of outright _-censored-_, find out what's he's like. I bet he's just playing hard to get with you. Since he probably really wants you to _-censored-_ him and vice versa, you could try spending an evening together. Have a nice dinner, then have _-censored-_ later, yes, that would be a good plan to try. If that doesn't work, you could always try to lock him in your room and _-censored-_ him, and _-censored-_, and _-censored-,_ I bet he'd like that. But I'm not too sure, since I'm relatively new to gay _-censored-._ I like your motto, _-censored-_ first, love later. It's a good motto.

(The editor of this column realizes that half of the letters are unintelligible because they have been censored. However he knows that the magazine is strictly PG-13 and has to censor out all those naughty words in there.)

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**Tell your health problems to a medical expert! **

I'm an insomniac, thus I have heavy eye-bags and it's even showing through the huge amount of eye make-up I use to hide it. All the sand I have around me is giving me allergies and rashes and I can't very well pause in the middle of killing someone to scratch my behind, can I? Also, I'm getting lock-jaw from all the evil grinning I have to do (I do have an image to keep up you know) and my eyes hurt because I keep trying to look at people's faces when I'm actually admiring their nice fashionable shoes. (What I mean is that I'm looking down, but at the same time trying to look up, so my face is pointing down and my eyes are looking up.) Give me a solution in three days time or I'll **kill** every last one of you (and take all your shoes).

**- Gaara of the Sand**

Dear **Gaara of the Sand**,

You must be very frustrated to have such problems. I'm a medic-nin so I'll try my best to help you with your health problems. Okay, as for your insomnia, you could try listening to something REALLY boring, or drink yourself silly, you may fall asleep this way. Guaranteed, you'll have a killer headache the next day, but at least now you don't have to ruin your face. As for your allergies, maybe you could buy some kind of cream or something, stay away from the sand. I think you'd prefer to live longer to be able to scare more people than to die of lock-jaw and retina detachment (though that is impossible, I think). So maybe you could try not to...look so scary all the time.

Alternatively, you could ignore all that, come to me and I can kill you and dissect you to study your powers and stuff. You'd probably make a very good addition to my collection of corpses in my basement. Yes, and when I figure your powers out, I can use them for myself! Because I am doctor Kabuto and LONG LIVE OROCHIMARU-SAMA! Erhm, no, eh, you didn't see that, I'm a nice good doctor who's trying to help you out! Yes, yes, nice good doctor.

(Gaara feels he shouldn't have wasted his money on the postage stamps, instead, he could have saved up to buy a new pair of shoes.)

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**- CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC! – **

Now, this is the moment we've all been waiting for...it's time for the...RETURN OF **AUNTY ITACHI**!

Hello little boys and girls, if you have any problems, Aunty Itachi will try her (OO) best to help you!

_My Abusive Master_

-sniff- I have bone cancer and I'm going to die soon. -sniff- I can't take it anymore and I want to commit suicide. But then, -sniff- I met this nice man, and he treated me quite well at first, so I -sniff- didn't kill myself, because I wanted to fight for him. -sniff- And...and now he's ignoring meeee! All because of that stupid Kabuto! -sniff- Orochimaru-sama likes him more than me -sniff- and now I want to die! But I love Orochimaru-sama and will continue fighting for him until I die, but -sniff- Orochimaru-sama doesn't care about me -sniff-, what should I do! -**Wails-**

**- Jealous and sad**

Dear **Jealous and sad**,

You're Kimimaro right? Don't worry, it's going to be just fine, Aunty Itachi loves you! I knew it, that b-tch Orochimaro hasn't been treating you well has he! I shall go catch him and spank him on the butt and tell him to be nice to you! If you still have problems with him, write in again and Aunty Itachi will fire Orochimaru! Don't be sad, and don't kill yourself! If you do, Aunty Itachi will run into a phone booth, change into her superman outfit and go and save you! Awwww, Aunty Itachi will give you a hug, be happy!

(Itachi can't believe he just wrote that. He's macho and stuff, right?)

-End-


End file.
